Letter I wrote to Robbie for his birthday

Though we have been through raging waters together, you never let us drown. Your steady hand held my wavering one many times. I never thought we would make it this far. I never thought I would love you this much. Your constant love and support have made the gloomiest day bright again.

You make me feel beautiful when I feel my most unattractive. You are kind, you are faithful, you are strong. You save me. I am so glad you chose me to be your wife. Our beautiful family is the most precious gift from God and I thank Him every day for the blessings He has you given me. You, Jaden, Gage, Kyler and Kason- my very own heart beating outside of my chest. My everything.

Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for loving me at my most unlovable.  Thank you for being a dad for our boys. Thank you for being so consistent, so ever-present, so lasting.

I am lucky I get to be your wife. I always knew it would take a really special person to be with me, and you are that person. You are my rock. I love you more and more every day, since the day we said “I do.”

Love, Ashley Michelle McKinnon

Happy Birthday 2013

 

Ashley Loves Robbie
Est. 2009

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun
When I'm a firecracker coming undone
When I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

I know I don't tell you nearly enough
That I couldn't live one day without your love

When I'm a ship tossed around on the waves
Up on a highwire that's ready to break
When I've had just about all I can take
Baby you, baby you save me

The twins turned 7 months and Gage turned 4!

It's been forever since I've had a chance to update! I'll start with the twins and then I'll update on Gage. I might even add a little thing or 2 about Jaden. :)


There's no well baby checkup for 7 months, but through sick visits I know that Kyler weighs a little over 15 lbs and Kason weighs a little over 16 lbs. Kyler is still my tiniest tiny! He is not sitting completely unsupported, Kason is. Kason also is nearly crawling, and he can definitely go backwards. He can also get where he wants to go, but it's not TRUE crawling yet- but SO close! Kyler is content to be wherever he's at and you bring all the toys to him. Kyler is still the better eater. Kasons not much of a fan of food yet, he puts everything else in his mouth though! Recently they were sick, tested flu positive and then got pneumonia as complication from the flu. Also had ear infections in all 4 ears. Lots of antibiotics, nebulizer treatments, and a little bit of steroids and I have my happy babies back. They are still on the Zantac twice a day for reflux and it has made a HUGE difference in the colic/crying/fussiness. Also still on Enfamil Nutramigen (the hypoallergenic formula) for colic but I don't think its necessary anymore. Its so expensive though, I've given them regular Gerber Good Start a few times and they always puke some. Never did that before so its weird. They don't sleep through the night yet. Its probably because there are 2 of them in the same bed and 6 of us in the same room. I like having them close though :). And I can almost always get one of them to cuddle with me and go back to sleep (when I'm home). I'm working 7p-7a 3-4 nights a week. Night shift is so much better!

My baby G turned 4 on the 23rd. This was right in the middle of all the flu sickness. He had it pretty bad too. We didn't really have much of a party, just got a cake (that he doesn't eat) and let him open his presents.  He's growing up into a sweet sweet little boy. He is very emotionally charged, he tends to wander off, and he's just a little Gagey-roundface that I love sooooo much. The years are flying by! Right now he is following in big brothers footsteps loving call of duty and guns. He is also very into Mario and Donkey Kong and loves nothing more for someone (besides J) to play a video game with him.

 

 

 

 

Jadens been the typical 5 year old boy. He and Gage are only half a pound apart! He is learning so much in school and doing very well. He says he doesn't want to go, but does great once hes there. And I've already seen a big difference in him. He also LOVES gymnastics. I didn't think he would like it as much as he does, but really- he loves it! Not much to update on. Boys are growing like weeds. Let me know if y'all have any questions!

 

Dear Kason, a letter to my son

My very own baby-baby! The baby of them all! Oh, my little boy, I love you so much. You were the only surprise- the best surprise I have ever gotten in my entire life. My little early bird, you are the first face I see every morning, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

You already have the most beautiful personality to match your beautiful face. You were difficult to feed from the beginning. It was a challenge I was up for. You showed me that not everything is easy, but if you keep trying, it's possible.

Little baby B, you had spunk even inside me. If I laid on my left side, you would fuss and kick and squirm until I moved. You didn't like being laid on by your brother!

I am so grateful for your existence. I never knew how badly I wanted you until I knew you were there! You and Kyler are so wonderfully different and I love each and every difference. You are a minute younger, but you are (and always have been) a little bigger. Since you didn't get to be born first, you have to do everything else first!

I hope you grow up to know how much you are truly loved. I will always be your number one fan! I've enjoyed being your mom from the first moment I saw you on the ultrasound. On the nights I work, I race home because I know you're awake and waiting on me with the most beautiful smile. I can't wait to see you in a few hours. I will hold you tight and smell your baby Kason smell and get lost in the awe of the most precious gift from God.

Always know I will be there for you. When you cry, when you laugh, when you need someone to listen, when you need support, when you need money, when you need love, when you need a hug, when you need someone to tell you its all going to be okay- I'll be there. I don't want to miss a moment with you.

You have God on your side and He's the only one that loves you more than I do. Seek Him always and you'll be on the right path.

You and your brothers are my everything. Never doubt how much you are loved, how precious you are, and let your little light shine.

Love, Mommy

 

 

6 months postpartum with belly shot!

Jaden has had 2 weeks of pre-k now and it's going great! He has an amazing teacher and they are so patient with him and encouraging with him and he really does love school. Of course, he'd RATHER stay home all day and play video games - but who wouldn't? He is really growing and blossoming already. I never even thought that public school might be a good thing! And he loves gymnastics, it's the highlight of his week!

Kason had his circumcision revision surgery today. He did great- LOVE the people at CHOA. I can't give them enough praise. I felt so comfortable with them and Kason did too. 

So nearly 6 months postpartum. I haven't breastfed in over 3 weeks. The extra skin on my belly is super gross. And my belly button is the worst. I have an umbilical hernia and my abdominal muscles are separated. Ugh. 

I have found the baby carrier I want since they are outgrowing the ktan. It's a kinderpack and I can't wait to get it! Love to wear my babies <3.

Everyone's doing great, super busy. The kids all have a million appointments a week plus I work full time.

Switched the twins formula this week to nutramigen and Kason ended up with an awful diaper rash. It's finally starting to get better with a mixture of the desitin in the purple tube, mylanta, and Vaseline. They still have colic. At this age. They literally cry. All. Day. 

Haven't seen improvement with the new formula yet but hopefully soon! I will update all about the twins after their 6 month checkup. 

Loving my iPhone. 

I think I got financial aid straightened out for school finally! Now I just gotta figure where in the world to pencil school in schedule wise. But it's got to be done. 

Just wanted to let y'all know what was up!

Jaden's World

Jaden has always been different. He has several (mostly fun) little quirks. Over the last couple of years, he has started to have some behavior issues. Addressed with pediatrician a few times, got referred to behavioral therapist (twice) who referred us to Occupational and Speech therapy.

On Wednesday we met with the psychiatrist at the behavioral place and she stated that Jaden was definitely on "the spectrum", obviously high-functioning and therefore Aspergers is his diagnosis. She also stated that he really needed to be in public school, that homeschool would not really be the best thing for him. He needs structure and routine and to be around lots of other kids and to have teachers that have education and experience with this kind of thing. In my heart, I knew she was right. School time had become a fight. He didn't want to do anything I wanted him to do, he didn't want to stop playing his video game, he flat out refused to do most things involving school work.

I was really disappointed at first. I thought there must be something wrong with me. I didn't want to let him down or fail him. I also wanted to do what was best for him, no matter what. I thought about it nonstop the whole evening, I discussed it with my family, I spent hours researching schools.

It's amazing how things can change so quickly. Even 2 months ago, things were drastically different than they are now. I can't believe my baby is going to school. But it feels right. I feel relief. Maybe if I didn't work full-time, maybe if I didn't need to go back to school myself, maybe if I didn't have 3 other children... I could homeschool Jaden. But honestly, I still don't think it would be better for him.

I decided I didn't just want to throw him into Kindergarten next year. I was afraid he would have culture shock and not do well. He has never been to any kind of day care or school before. And he does not adapt to change well, and cannot handle surprises. So found a place close to home that has a GA Pre-K opening. He already reads, knows letters and sounds, numbers, can count to 100, has known shapes and colors since he was 18 months old. But what he will really learn this year is how to be in a classroom, how to be independent, how to raise his hand and wait in line.

He was so worried that I would "leave him at school forever". So on Friday I took him there after his appointment with the child psychologist. I left him there for the hardest part of the day - lunch and nap- but it was only for 2 hours. He did amazing. He said, "Mommy, I want to sleep here." He hasn't taken a nap in years. He had his blankey in his angry birds backpack. He ate donuts for snack and played with Legos. His teacher paired him up with another student to show him the ropes. Jaden thrives around other kids, he is so friendly. I am so proud of my little genius. He amazes me every day. I am so lucky I get to be his mom.

 

It's been a very bad week...

Monday evening after a nap, I woke with pain in my left breast. My breasts usually hurt when I woke up since I got engorged after 3 hours so I thought I would pump real quick and all would be fine. Left breast continued to ache. 

My mom and I took all the boys to babies r us to get the twins high chairs to feed them for the first time. I felt weak and tired, achy. Left breast still hurt.

Came home and fed the babies their first food (video on Facebook), got everyone ready for bed, went to sleep. Woke in the middle of the night in SEVERE all-over pain and freezing. I shook with chills yet I couldn't move. I began to vomit. It was only the beginning. 

I asked Robbie to get me a Lortab I had from my c-section. He worried over me- poking thermometers at me and tried to make me feel warm. I assured him the Lortab would bring my fever down and all would be fine. I continued vomiting and shaking and hurting til morning. I kept pumping as much as possible but threw up everytime I got up. Texted mommy that I needed antibiotics. Doctor called me in some and by noon I had oral dicloxacillin and grandma had gone to the pharmacy and gotten it for me. 

Too nauseous to swallow the pill, I took phenergan (from pregnancy) first. Took the medicine, took a nap. Woke up and mommy brought me my first shot of rocephin. Shot me right in the butt- I never even felt it. 

I tried to go out in the living room to be with my family. My precious twins had just started on formula and they cried and cried. I pumped some, dizzy and sweaty and pukey. I continued to be fevery that whole night. 

Wednesday morning came and I moved to grandmas bed so I could see my boys. Everytime I got up my blood pressure would drop 60s/30s. My fever finally broke that morning. I sweated to death. I was still in a great amount of pain and nauseous. My mom brought my second shot of rocephin that afternoon. 

Wednesday night was the first night I wasn't dry heaving in my bed. I nursed Kyler once on the left. Robbie still had to get them bottles because I was still in so much pain. 

Thursday I was supposed to work (that night) but I called out that morning for the first time ever. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand for that long without fainting. My family begged me to eat. I ate a half of a sandwich that day, first food since Monday.

I laid in bed all night Thursday night and cried and cried. I was so scared of getting mastitis again, I knew that I NEVER wanted to go through this again. I really felt like I was in danger of being hospitalized and maybe worse. It wasn't worth it to risk my life to exclusively breast feed my 5 month old twins. They needed their mommy more than they needed breast milk.

But ohhhh the guilt. I felt like I was giving up on them. I was failing them. I wasn't ready to lose that relationship yet. Once this is done, I will never get this back. So final. So heartbreaking. 

Friday morning I went to WIC to trade in my breastfeeding vouchers for formula vouchers. I cried at the poor lady there. I turned in my borrowed pump. 

I took Gage to karate and went to work. Realized I had sent parts of my old pump with the pump that belonged to WIC and now found myself unable to pump at all. I never learned how to hand express. The beginning of my shift is very demanding and I was really starting to be in a ton of pain. I tried to hide and push milk out, it hurt and I got nothing. I called my mom crying and she told me to put warm wet cloths on my breasts and that would help and take ibuprofen for pain and inflammation.

I sat in the floor at work and bawled my eyes out. All the pain, exhaustion, and really just grieving for the loss of breastfeeding. And thinking to myself I shouldn't take anything for pain. I deserve to be in pain for what I'm doing. Your body doesn't want you to stop breastfeeding. It wants you to feed your babies. 

I finally took some ibuprofen and was able to express some milk by hand and felt much better. 

The toll on my body was big, but the emotional ramifications of this whole thing was huge. I guess there are hormones when you stop breastfeeding because I have been as tearful and emotional as 4 days postpartum. And that was bad! 

I burst into tears looking at all of my breastfeeding supplies. I burst into tears looking into the faces of my beautiful healthy baby boys. Yes, I'm devastated that I'll never have that again. But I am so completely grateful for their health and for them in general and for formula. 

My breasts are still pretty sore and very full. I'm still taking my oral antibiotics and today have been blessed with a yeast infection from it all. My appetite is coming back, though it'll never be what it is. 

I'll still snuggle my babies so closely. Breathe in their baby smell and hold them tight as they grow so fast right in front of me. And maybe, if there's any milk in my breasts, I'll give Kyler a little snack every now and then. 

Dear Kyler, a letter to my son

My sweet baby Kyler. The reason for all my heartburn. You had so much hair when you were born- I suffered for a long time for that hair and you just let it all fall out! But you have the most beautiful perfect little porcelain face. It's little a miniature face, it's the sweetest thing. I remember you having the hiccups everyday inside me. It was so subtle, like you were saying, "I'm here too! Don't forget about me!"

You have suffered with colic for all of your short little life. I hate seeing you hurt. I hate that I can't make it better. But in this struggle I have found my place. And in that, your place with me. I was chosen to be your mommy. You were chosen to be my son. Even though you cry, I now know that you are still comforted by my cuddles and soothed by my smell.

My one and only boobie baby- I will nurse you for as long as you want. You made me feel like a breastfeeding pro when it was really my first time. You showed me that I really can do it. You have shown me that you know what you're doing and that I need to trust you. Just as you trust me to be there for you.

I will always be there for you, my amazing little boy. You never have to worry. Mommy's got this. I can't wait to see you soon and hold you in my arms. I'll wear you and we'll sing together. Always know that you're so very loved, cherished and wanted.

Don't give away all my sugar before I get home! See you soon dollface. I love you.