It's been a very bad week...

Monday evening after a nap, I woke with pain in my left breast. My breasts usually hurt when I woke up since I got engorged after 3 hours so I thought I would pump real quick and all would be fine. Left breast continued to ache. 

My mom and I took all the boys to babies r us to get the twins high chairs to feed them for the first time. I felt weak and tired, achy. Left breast still hurt.

Came home and fed the babies their first food (video on Facebook), got everyone ready for bed, went to sleep. Woke in the middle of the night in SEVERE all-over pain and freezing. I shook with chills yet I couldn't move. I began to vomit. It was only the beginning. 

I asked Robbie to get me a Lortab I had from my c-section. He worried over me- poking thermometers at me and tried to make me feel warm. I assured him the Lortab would bring my fever down and all would be fine. I continued vomiting and shaking and hurting til morning. I kept pumping as much as possible but threw up everytime I got up. Texted mommy that I needed antibiotics. Doctor called me in some and by noon I had oral dicloxacillin and grandma had gone to the pharmacy and gotten it for me. 

Too nauseous to swallow the pill, I took phenergan (from pregnancy) first. Took the medicine, took a nap. Woke up and mommy brought me my first shot of rocephin. Shot me right in the butt- I never even felt it. 

I tried to go out in the living room to be with my family. My precious twins had just started on formula and they cried and cried. I pumped some, dizzy and sweaty and pukey. I continued to be fevery that whole night. 

Wednesday morning came and I moved to grandmas bed so I could see my boys. Everytime I got up my blood pressure would drop 60s/30s. My fever finally broke that morning. I sweated to death. I was still in a great amount of pain and nauseous. My mom brought my second shot of rocephin that afternoon. 

Wednesday night was the first night I wasn't dry heaving in my bed. I nursed Kyler once on the left. Robbie still had to get them bottles because I was still in so much pain. 

Thursday I was supposed to work (that night) but I called out that morning for the first time ever. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand for that long without fainting. My family begged me to eat. I ate a half of a sandwich that day, first food since Monday.

I laid in bed all night Thursday night and cried and cried. I was so scared of getting mastitis again, I knew that I NEVER wanted to go through this again. I really felt like I was in danger of being hospitalized and maybe worse. It wasn't worth it to risk my life to exclusively breast feed my 5 month old twins. They needed their mommy more than they needed breast milk.

But ohhhh the guilt. I felt like I was giving up on them. I was failing them. I wasn't ready to lose that relationship yet. Once this is done, I will never get this back. So final. So heartbreaking. 

Friday morning I went to WIC to trade in my breastfeeding vouchers for formula vouchers. I cried at the poor lady there. I turned in my borrowed pump. 

I took Gage to karate and went to work. Realized I had sent parts of my old pump with the pump that belonged to WIC and now found myself unable to pump at all. I never learned how to hand express. The beginning of my shift is very demanding and I was really starting to be in a ton of pain. I tried to hide and push milk out, it hurt and I got nothing. I called my mom crying and she told me to put warm wet cloths on my breasts and that would help and take ibuprofen for pain and inflammation.

I sat in the floor at work and bawled my eyes out. All the pain, exhaustion, and really just grieving for the loss of breastfeeding. And thinking to myself I shouldn't take anything for pain. I deserve to be in pain for what I'm doing. Your body doesn't want you to stop breastfeeding. It wants you to feed your babies. 

I finally took some ibuprofen and was able to express some milk by hand and felt much better. 

The toll on my body was big, but the emotional ramifications of this whole thing was huge. I guess there are hormones when you stop breastfeeding because I have been as tearful and emotional as 4 days postpartum. And that was bad! 

I burst into tears looking at all of my breastfeeding supplies. I burst into tears looking into the faces of my beautiful healthy baby boys. Yes, I'm devastated that I'll never have that again. But I am so completely grateful for their health and for them in general and for formula. 

My breasts are still pretty sore and very full. I'm still taking my oral antibiotics and today have been blessed with a yeast infection from it all. My appetite is coming back, though it'll never be what it is. 

I'll still snuggle my babies so closely. Breathe in their baby smell and hold them tight as they grow so fast right in front of me. And maybe, if there's any milk in my breasts, I'll give Kyler a little snack every now and then. 

Dear Kyler, a letter to my son

My sweet baby Kyler. The reason for all my heartburn. You had so much hair when you were born- I suffered for a long time for that hair and you just let it all fall out! But you have the most beautiful perfect little porcelain face. It's little a miniature face, it's the sweetest thing. I remember you having the hiccups everyday inside me. It was so subtle, like you were saying, "I'm here too! Don't forget about me!"

You have suffered with colic for all of your short little life. I hate seeing you hurt. I hate that I can't make it better. But in this struggle I have found my place. And in that, your place with me. I was chosen to be your mommy. You were chosen to be my son. Even though you cry, I now know that you are still comforted by my cuddles and soothed by my smell.

My one and only boobie baby- I will nurse you for as long as you want. You made me feel like a breastfeeding pro when it was really my first time. You showed me that I really can do it. You have shown me that you know what you're doing and that I need to trust you. Just as you trust me to be there for you.

I will always be there for you, my amazing little boy. You never have to worry. Mommy's got this. I can't wait to see you soon and hold you in my arms. I'll wear you and we'll sing together. Always know that you're so very loved, cherished and wanted.

Don't give away all my sugar before I get home! See you soon dollface. I love you.

Update- Jaden 5 years and twins 4 months

Time is really flying by. Jaden turned 5 on the 20th of August and had an angry birds themed birthday party. He was really pleased with the gifts he got. I had to work the night before and the night of the party so I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I wanted to. Of course, there's never enough time! We are starting school on Tuesday after Labor Day- I'll be sure to blog about that.

Jaden had his 5 year check up yesterday. He weighs 38 lbs and is in the 25th percentile for both height and weight. That means that 75% of kids his age are bigger and 25% are smaller. He is very proportional. He didn't get any shots but they stuck his finger to test his hemoglobin and he was extremely unhappy about that. We spoke with the doctor about his developmental delay and some behavior concerns. She wants us to go back to the psychologist for further testing. She says some of his issues sound like maybe add/adhd and he still has some tendencies from the autism spectrum but she doesn't diagnose these disorders. First we see what the psychologist thinks, then in 3 months follow up with the regular pediatrician and depending on what the psychologist says maybe get a referral for a developmental pediatrician. Honestly, I would rather him see the developmental pediatrician than the psychologist... but we'll see what they say.

We also got a referral for a physical therapy evaluation. Jadens hips are still super tight from the w-sitting and he is significantly behind in gross motor and fine motor skills. The skills have improved a ton in occupational therapy but he's still behind.

I also talked to the doctor about his picky eating and sensory issues with food. She referred us to speech therapy for a swallow study. He was evaluated by speech already and it wasn't indicated that he had issues. And he has no problems swallowing so I don't think we're gonna be doing that. It's just a sensory thing.

Jaden then failed his eye exam. Another referral! This time for a pediatric optometrist to see if he needs glasses.

I think that's all for Jaden.

The twins had their 4 month checkup yesterday. Kyler is 13 lbs 5oz and Kason is 13 lbs 9oz! It was really surprising because I thought Kason was so much bigger than Kyler. Their heads are exactly the same size and Kason is a quarter of an inch taller.

I asked about Kylers cradle cap. He has the worst cradle cap I've ever seen and got a prescription for a steroid cream for it.

I had her look in their mouths to make sure there was no thrush because my nipples are in really bad shape. Kason has basically shredded them with lazy latching. They are both cracked and bleeding in more than one place. But no thrush. Teething hardcore for sure. Mother in law bought an amber necklace- we are hoping it helps.

Kason has what looks like some extra skin on his penis, so he got a referral to a urologist. I think our doctors just refer out all of our problems! All 4 boys are circumcised and if there's any penis issues I want to get them fixed now while they're babies.

The doctor is very pleased with their growth. They are still exclusively breast fed and I don't plan on starting solids until at least 6 months. The doctor said it was ok to try if I wanted to but after extensive research I have decided to delay solids and I'm leaning towards baby led weaning with a little modification.

They got 5 vaccinations each (4 shots and an oral) and it was hoooorrrriibblllleeee. Ugh. Their poor little legs! I thought I might faint.

Little Gage is the only one that didn't have an appointment. He's doing great though- love him so much. Not much to update on with him! He is getting really tall though.

I hope I didn't forget anything. I'll be writing again about Jadens first day of kindergarten soon! Love y'all.

Dear Jaden, a letter to my son

For as far back as I can remember, I wished for you. I dreamed of your existence when I was 5. I never wanted anything more than I wanted you.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was the most amazing feeling. It was scary and wonderful at the same time. My life was at a standstill and I didn't know where you would fit in, but I knew that you would. I didn't know it, but I had a Jaden-shaped hole in my heart and it was your perfect place.

It took me a long time to bond with you but when I did, it was intense. We've been inseparable ever since!

I'm supposed to be teaching you about life, but you teach me everyday what life really is. I hope I never stop learning from you. I love seeing the world through your eyes. Your tiny little self grew me up. I have never before worried like I worry over you.

I know you are going to go far and succeed in whatever you want to do. You are already driven and detail oriented. Your memory is a special gift- I've never met anyone with a memory like yours. Use it well. Everywhere we go, you make a friend. Never lose that love for other people.

I love to just watch you exist. I have watched you breathe, watched you sleep, watched you grow before my very eyes. You make me proud everyday. You love so passionately, sometimes you can't even handle it. You're just a little guy, have patience with yourself and others. Be kind and forgiving, especially to yourself.

I love to hear you sing, watch you dance, listen to you talk. You brought our family together... done so much in a short time. You just turned 5 and though I love to watch you grow and enjoy you more and more everyday, I wish you would stay my innocent little baby forever. Luckily, you will ALWAYS be mommy's precious baby.

Stand tall, my first born son. You are far more important than you realize, loved no matter what, cared about by so many.

I love you and your brothers equally, but I will have always loved you the longest.

I'll peek into your bed in the morning, watch you breathe and sleep. Put your blankey near your mouth to get a glimpse of your sucky face. "Pet" your back and cover you up. And enjoy every minute of you!

Dear Gage, a letter to my son

Dear Gage,
I wanted you before you even existed. When I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled! I wanted another little boy, and I knew your name would be Gage. You were the perfect addition to our little family. When you were inside me, you kicked so hard! When you came, you had to go to NICU for respiratory distress and it broke my heart. You were fine though, and soon safely in my arms.

Breastfeeding did not go well, you ended up with blood in your stool and really unhappy. I had to switch to hypoallergenic formula to make your tummy better. However, I still bonded with you, my little fusspot. You cried all the time until you were one and I couldn't do much for you. We cuddled a lot.

You have this perfect little porcelain round face. It earned you the nickname "little gagey round face". Even your eyes are perfectly round and were blue for so long. When you were born your hair was strawberry blond, now it's brown like the rest of ours.

You have always loved doing everything your big brother Jaden does. You still love to cuddle. You love to cook and do laundry and dishes. You are my right hand man.

My little sensitive sweet Gage, you are the best big brother ever. You love your little brothers more than I ever thought possible. You are only 3 years old and you seem 10 the way you take care of them. Mommy is so unbelievably proud of you. I love the person you are, the child you are growing into, and the man you will one day become. You have already made me so proud in so many ways. I can't wait to watch you grow and learn and I thank God everyday that I get to be here for this, and I thank God for you.

Gage Davis McKinnon, you are loved. You are cherished. You are wanted, always.

I will kiss your sweet face in the morning.

Love, Mommy

Growing up

Everyone's growing up so fast! Jadens about to turn 5 and starting kindergarten this year. We are so excited about homeschooling. We joined a homeschool group and we have lots of functions to go to. These are the kids that they're gonna grow up with, gonna be their lifelong friends.

I go back to night shift starting Monday, so happy to get my hours back. It works out much better for my family life and I get to see my boys way more.

Not much else to update on. Still exclusively breastfeeding. All my joints are still sore. Babies are getting huge! Still producing tons of milk. Not much has changed.

Everything's really busy right now. My wonderful sister in law bought me an amazing planner that I just love! Jadens birthdays coming up and that's going to be a lot of fun.

I had a mishap with school and taxes and financial aid so now I have to amend my taxes and start school in January. It shouldn't affect my graduation date though. Just an aggravation. Small bump in the road.

I really can't think of anything else that's going on :) love you all!

3 months postpartum!

The twins are 3 months old! I cannot believe how time is flying. I don't know how much they weigh because they haven't been to the doctor since 2 months and don't go back until 4 months, but I'm tellin ya- these babies are HUGE!

They're still pretty much fussin all the time. Daddy does well with cryin babies when he's home. Kasons going through a phase where he wants to be held all the time and doesn't really like to be worn. Kyler loves to be worn.

Breastfeeding is still going strong. I still have the oversupply with foremilk/hindmilk imbalance that I am STILL working on correcting. I think its getting better but they still need the lactase drops or the fussiness is way worse. Kylers colic seems to be improving with the chiropractic treatment. The whole family is going twice a week for that. He still has some episodes but not as often and they don't last as long.

I'm struggling to find time for everything I need to do and have found myself needing a better schedule. It's a work in progress as well. Kyler sleeps through the night once or twice a week (through the night being from 10 pm to 5 am). Kason never sleeps through the night but usually skips the midnight feeding and wakes around 2 or 3. They are super easy at night though. They just eat and go back to sleep. Kasons still an early bird and likes to stay awake after 7 am.

I'm losing lots of baby weight but my body's not the same at all. It's amazing that I'm still losing weight with as much as I'm eating right now. I'm a bottomless pit! Sometimes my scar still aches if I bump it on the crib, it seems to be right at the same level. Mostly it's numb all around it. I still have the flabby belly skin and hernia. So not cute. I'll post a pic soon for you morbidly curious people that don't see me at home everyday.

I did finally get a stroller! Super exciting! It's a really nice one too. Graco duo quattro something. Love it.

I've been having joint pain for the last month or so. Mostly ankles, knees, hips and elbows. I've come to the conclusion that it's the hormones from breastfeeding (lots of relaxin) plus the hormones from my mirena making my joints loose and sore. So I don't have Lyme disease without a tick bite or something (I don't think)!

Still hatin my phone. Let me know if you have any questions or if I forgot to update about something!